take my photo off the wall if it won't sing for you.

Insecurity-

brings a man nowhere.

why do i feel that you are, sometimes,

not here?

Am i just a possessive lover, or

has insecurity brought me to my lowest level.

maybe it's paranoia.

maybe it's the distances that's hard to bridge.

maybe.

maybe it's just me.

*Didi after his bath! sooooooooo cute right. i swear he's the so tiny. =D

Dinner at cafe cartel.
i think i was looking at this annoying couple. yikes. anyway i think i look my best at my side-views. HAHAHA. COS can't see my face. precisely. damn damn.

They always say "smile for you never know who's falling for that smile". cliche as it may sound but it's undeniable that there is some truth in this overused phrase. i am no longer the cynic i used to be, whereby love to me, no longer a mockery. no longer am i the girl who turns her back against the idea and concept of love. no longer is it yesterday that people fall in love.

Smile, baby, For i have fallen in love with your smile. with you, i believe in tomorrows. the many tomorrows that has yet to come. a 1001 things i like about you and the list keeps growing. and no, the list ain't exhuasting cos every single thing i like is what defines you, and my love for you.

LOVE.

i love not just your actions but the man behind them. the three words are weighty words which only the one in love can say, and only the one loved can receive. yes love. laugh. be a cynic like i used to be. for i have been madly in love with my only one. i am no longer gonna suppress my feelings for what used to be like has grown to be love. believe my words for they are weighted with importance and like what you said, they should not be said just any other how. but baby, you are special and you are the one who defines love. words may just be words but these are those singatured with love. i've always wanted to say this to you. let today be the time when i shall gather thecourage and speak of my love for you. Hail, for i am his lover.

there's none like you.

Baby.
"I LOVE YOU"
let these be just words but someday, i'll find the courage to say it to you. and i'll wait for the day when you'll be able to say these back to me. once, twice. doesnt matter. for i just want to feel your love.

ps: these are not outburts of a stressed-out/drained eighteen year old. they are words of an eighteen in love.

(Everything I Do) I Do It For You

Look into my eyes -you will see

What you mean to me

Search your heart

search your soul

And when you find me there

you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for

You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for

You know it's true

Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into my heart - you will find

There's nothin' there to hide

Take me as I am - take my life

I would give it all

I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for

I can't help it there's nothin' I want more

Ya know it's true

Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love

And no other - could give more love

There's nowhere - unless you're there

All the time - all the way

Ah. what a tiring day. rushed out to watch some movie cos some idiot bought tickets without my consent. what a smart move.

was just waiting for PJ in town (orchard mrt) when some girl approached me to ask me to go for some interview for some face model shit. and it's tmr at like 6pm?! she was pretty insistant that i go for it though i told her upteen times that i have school and it ends late. grrrr. So i am not going cos i need to study and yes, i am simply not interested. bugger off.

and so we were walking towards pacific plaza's carpark for Pj to get his car when this 2 person came running to me with their usual "excuse me" and as usual, i gave a what-now look. and so they happened to be looking for cast members for their drama production and they were hoping that i would go for some interview this sept. claimed that i suit one of the characters perfectly and i wonder which. i cant act for nuts. i bet they have some role that says "bummer" or something. hahaha. AND NO, i am not going for this interview cos i have prelims dude. rarrrr. quit asking.

late dinner at marche and home sweet home.

my jazy boy is asleep i think. wanted to ask Galvin but nah. such a pest if i were to ask. I MISS JAZ. ahhh.

Thank God it's Friday!
i am gonna head home and call my babyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

US
I know we often feel the rub of love
that we don't always fit quite hand in glove
but we live inside of a mystery
and my heart often fails to contain
and I know that words are not enough
when I think of all the endless love
that you give to me in my time of need
boy, it's high time these words were said [will sell]
ask for my hand you know I'll give it
and if you're cold
I give you warmth
and I don't care if it's unfair
'cause I would sacrifice myself
now that I know
the only thing that matters
us
us
us
us
it's hard to say what road we're travelling down
sometimes it leads us to some awful towns
but we somehow keep, both our hands and feet on the floorboard
and the steering wheel
ask for my hand,
you know I'll give it
and if you're cold
I give you warmth
and I don't care if it's unfair
'cause I would sacrifice myself
now that I know
the only thing that matters
us
us
us
us

it's you, that matters.

i don't need the brightest star to take my breath away.

JASON CHUA, please forgive me?

Such a rough night and i brought it upon myself.

there's no means for redemption. words spoken cannot be taken back. like time lost, it's never returned. Evident remorse, regret can't undo the hurt. it just elevates the pain, leaving two parties at a loss.

there are no means to justify my actions. insensitivity and insecurity has made me a jealous lover. that has brought me to my lowest, and my inadequancy to the highest. no control over my emotions, just outbursts which are not to be targetted at the person i love. it's ironic how when you try to salvage the situation, you end up making a mess out of it. a total mess. if there's something to be learnt, don't be a smart ass cos as the end of the day, the mess gets remembered and not the hidden intention.

my writing's a jargon, so many random thoughts. my head's a whirl. my knees are weak. my heart aches for it speaks of a lonely heart, for it longs for you.

Spoken is my sorry, unaccepted is my apology.

i am a selfish, spiteful lover. i know words hurt yet i have inflicted pain onto you-though unintentionally.

rain hitting against the panes,

bringing out a soft rhythm.

the almost silent background,

accompanied by gentle sobs.

i'll be a recluse,

away from the world tonight.

"Jason, i miss you."

from the bottom of my heart.
cliche it may sound, but i truly do.
for i know i can't live a day without your presence.

such a terrible night and i can't sleep. i have no idea how to express the way i feel at this moment. i have not felt this lost and helpless for a long long time. i don't know why but i thought of my baby alot today. the whole day whilst i was out, he was constantly on my mind. it's scary how much i wish for him to be by my side. i don't know why (again) but i am just very afraid to lose him today. of cos, Jason does not know about all these cos i do not tell him. Ahhh. the whole night i was feeling so down. cos i really miss him alot. more than ever. worst night ever. maybe cos i was in a foul mood that things turned a lil sour. felt really really horrible. =~( whatever la. i shall go hibernate and maybe i'll forget stuff. i swear my eyes are like puffy. whatever.

nights world.

And it's not your fault that you can't be here

to wipe my tears.

went for Faith Community Baptist Church's Spook Show. magic, psychic and all. was pretty freaked out at first but it was not too bad i suppose. the service after that was quite thought provoking. hmmmmmmmm.

Everywhere i go, it just reminds me of Jason. Everywhere i go, i see his name can. makes me wanna smile. =) in the toilet and even during the spook show today! Jason's one the volunteer for the magic show. (i saw that coming can.) and everyone just wants to smile smile at me. =))

Late dinner at Cartel. as always. the place was full of weird people can. one couple was quarrelling next to our table. smashing cups and raising voices. i was scared can. grrrrrr. another couple just wants to be ugly Singaporeans and complain about the bad service though i swear they waited only like 7 mins for their food?! can't they see it's a bloody Saturday night?! So annoying. if i own a food business next time, i seriously won't mind losing such bad customers. and who says the customer is always right man.

Anyway took cab home and as always, me and hui were like doing damn silly shit. like racing up the stairs though i was in a skirt. my skirt nearly split k! i think i am sooooooo not feminine. Pj just wanna ask me go clubbing now. no thanks man. Ah. Home Sweet Home for now and i have been thinking about my lovely for the whole night. alot of things i wanna tell him. -pinch-

hair's gone. ah well. went for dinner with mom. dim sum at raffles hotel's like woaaahhhh. damn nice la. i am not promoting the place cos i used to work there k. it's really pretty neat place. And i saw loads of stuff i wanna buy can!! this 2 pretty skirts from Zara. FWAH. i bought earrings and another top from Morgan. my my. pretttyyyy!! i have to stop shopping laaaaaa. grrrrr.

i am searching for inspirations for my prom dress. gonna design one myself. any ideas welcomed k. hahahahha. i wanna look coooooool and pretty of cos. bleah.

mug mug mug. i shant slp tonight. i just realised that i have only 84 days to As. MY. mug on everyone. i shall meet some mates for supper later. no booze please. hahahahaha.

oh and i think i seriously lost my cam. fish.

Sleep tight my lovely one.

!!!! i think i lost my digicam!!! the last time i used it was like eons ago but still, i thought it has been lying around the house these past few months but apparently it's gone. GONE! how can rightttt!!! maybe it's lying somewhere out there but where huh. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i should have loaded all my pics first can. and i wanna use it tmr. grrrr! dont let me find out who stole it or else that person is gonna get ti Big time.

tired tired tired. going for some Econs seminar at Nayang poly tomorrow. seminars have never been a hit with me. i wonder why i even signed up. Ah well. so that's gonna take place from 8-12pm which means i get to skip econs test tomorrow. Double joy! heeee. but still, retake's gonna be on wed. Ah. triple joy: gonna head down for a magic show or somesort in the evening. -clap clap- so funnnn!!!

i think i am gonna chop my hair and get some more piercings. =) niceeeeee. Hui's planning to get naval piercing. ouch. i hate pains.

drinking session tonight. ahhhhhhhh. i better not go.

cuts like a blade, into fragile heart.

"If you're lost

you can look

and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall

I will catch you

I'll be waiting

Time after time"

up and blasting *emo music. Ah. i am supposed to be studying. but apparently, i just read Mr Scorpio's msgs and he just got me a lil worried huh.

i wonder what Mr Scorpio has to be paranoid about. i mean i can ask you about it, but it's just a thought. THOUGHTS. haven't we all come to a common ground to truly believe in each other? why let horoscopes truly determine or define who you are. break that chain/belief/whateveritis. i am sure i can do with being bored and all that just to have you a lil less jealous/paranoid. BABY, there is seriously nothing to be jealous about. Especially at a moment like this when you know that YOU are the one who has the key to my heart. or maybe you don't even believe anything i say. And i thought you have start to believe in your eighteen-year-old.

IF there is something you don't realise, i ain't some Miss Aries my dear. i am your baby for now and there isn't anything else i want right now but you. And if you don't realise this, DRILL IT INTO YOUR KUKU HEAD. a thousand and one things i can do and say to assure you that everything's ok and PERFECT but you gotta believe me my dear. i would give an assurance hug or a gentle caress to know that i am here for you but i can't. don't make me feel like i can't love when i am starting to. don't make me feel that being eighteen is the greatest sin.

know that i am waiting.
for more chapters of our lives to come.
And i am ONLY waiting
for you.
for i never saw true beauty
till this day.

baby, don't you worry and don't you make me worrrrrry. i don't want to be a distraction. really. have faith in The Lord and me. yes time will tell, but i already know what's going to happen with time. it's the individuals who determine the end results.

*Emotionalist me.

BORING BORING BORING! going to school is such a waste of time ya know. i have soooo many free periods!!! how i wish i can just apply for like long term MC or something. -sniffX2- and i am sick alright. sore throat and flu. argh. i sound horrible! but baby's been such a darling in cheering me up. awwwwwwwwwww. =D he has his way. so cute.

Haven't been sleeping much. i slept like for mere 3 hours yesterday?! seriously what's new. i hate routines. i know someone's gonna nag anyhow. -puts on earplugs- HAHAHA! so annoying. anyway History test was a flop. Ah wellllll. don't i just sound a lil resigned here?

Gonna head down to Borders later. planning to get a few nice books to last me before i die of real boredom. About to read the 'Da Vinci Code' which i heard was DAMN DAMN good. brillant eh! yipeee! so happy. hahaha. seriously i think i sound and look like a nerd cos hui's friend, Fidia, says that everytime she sees me (standing at the bus stop or on the bus), i am always reading a book! Well, you can't blame me! i just hate having nothing to do and i just wanna look COOL at bus-stops. hahaha. not funny. -_-

JASON CHUA! TELL YOU A SECRET. I MISSSSS YOU!!!! HAHHAHAHHAA. -roll eyes-

Few more hours and i am gonna head down paradise! yippppeee!! i need sleeeepp!

just seem so picture-perfect.

i worry about a 100 things

and you're No.1 on the list.

"If you could see what I see

You're the answer to my prayers

And if you could feel the tenderness I feel

You would know,

it would be clear

That ANGELS BROUGHT ME HERE"

ok. seriously i looook so horrible but i cant be bothered cos that is not the point here. taken at like 2 am in the morning and i feeel the need to motivate my darling. hahaha. whatever it is laaaaaaaaaaaaaa. dont you all dare to laugh at the pic k! -bleah-

just got back from shopping! so happy! hahaha. my baby made my day when he called me earlier in the noon. he's not suppose to until the weekend. what a surprise. heeeeeeeeee. =D anyway went shopping in town and i bought like sooooooooooo much. spent like you-dont-wanna-know-how-much. heeeeee. i still wanna get the pretty watch i saw!! -droools-

time to start studying! and i am serious! bleah. giving ndp telecast a miss. i have to mug for my hist test this wed. i HAVE to do well. but that does not make me any less patriotic k! HAPPY NATIONAL DAY TO ALL. muacks.

down with flu, fever and sore throat. tell me i did not catch the flu bug please? i swear 274892 people passed that bug to me. grrrrr. seriously ain't feeling all that great. i can't concentrate on my studying la. gonna pop vitamins like mad.
34 days to prelims and 91 days to As. -dead-
oh here's the deal. my darling and i are just gonna do well for our exams. i don't care. WE ARE. -eriod- hahaha. i think i am schizo. -sheesh-

i hope Jason's paying attention in lectures now. he slept so late can. i'll nag when i have the chance to and when he gets back to singapore, he's dead meat. -evil-

i think i wanna go get a bag now. i need stationaries big time. so bored. hahaha. since i can't run, i can do a lil shopping. right Jaz? =D

will you be here with me, by the next sunset?

ok, here's the deal. i have to realllllllyyyyy mug from today. just can't get my hands of 'The Timetraveler's Wife' which i have finally finished reading. such a sad sad novel. uh, next up. 'The Da Vinci Code'. hohoo!! the greatest pleasure in life is to read. really! embark on a whole new journey with the characters in the novel, ya know. now i know this sounds like a start to a Gp essay but i do not care. i feel that everyone should start reading, or at least try.

damn inspired by 'The notebook'. i read the novel before watching the movie yesterday. it's sooooooooooooo sweet and sad. bitter-sweet. that's what it is. uh. and i DID not cry. haha. yea right. boys or girls, young or old, bring some kleenex.

and they believed in the love they had that summer.

can't wait to spend the next chapter of my life with you.

you'll be back soon.

And i know i am awaiting those happy days to come.

We'll be happy.

i know.

feeling damn ill and weak. climbing out of bed was like trying to climb mount Everest- almost. well, you get the point laaaa. having high fever ain't no fun. not to mention that i am having rash and i feel like scratching myself all over big time. my throat hurts tooooooooooooo. AND I MISS MY BABY BBBIIIIIGGGGG TTTIMMMMEEE. i wonder if he feels the same way tooooo. Ah well.

i think i better climb back into bed.

Wish you were here.

I'm here without you baby

but your still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

but your still with me in my dreams

And tonight it's only you and me.

you have the key to my heart.
unlock it.

and i cried today.

it ain't gonna be easy for you, the love of an emotionalist. i am a silent lover; who listens and never divulge. but do not be mistaken, for though you may not know me well, it ain't as superficial as what you think. i do not call myself a mystery, for i am just a simple plain jane. what you see is what you get; maybe except for the occasional broken smile. but hey, i can't be jovial all the time, that's insanity and there is a limit to positivity. so to the (like) love of this emotionalist, i may not be the best or even near that range, but i know i am trying. the surest way to fail is to NOT try. i am not trying to be your best but rather, to be your love someday. the journey ahead is not gonna be easy at all, but hey, embarking on it has already shorten that gap. many days to come, i know i'll get to know you a load better and yes, i KNOW my feelings for you grow with the days. it's funny how it may sound to you, but love's funny. no qualms about that. there is the promise of better days to come- on my part. painful are the days to come, but they are wholly worthwhile. for who deserves better other than a chap like you.

i am sorry, for the things i have said and have not said.
i mean it.

and baby, i miss you.
And i mean it again.

Thank God, for i know you are mine.

got chided in school today. that does not sound like something new at all. the thing is, i wasn't even in the wrong AT ALL. indignant can. tutor just wants to have pms and vent her anger right. grrr. my patience is like LIMITED. period. school stinks totally. i know i complain alot about school but i just can't help it if the teachers just don't want to be a lil nicer. hell i understand that they are stressed and all, but HELLO, we are the damn students taking A levels this year. and to know that we are the pioneers does not help at all. ah well. i believe there is a brighter side to ..er.. school.

hoho. everyone around me is like hmm getting attached. so happy for them! first it was the period whereby you get MASSIVE breakups and then happiness flows. interesting. everyone just wants to be SMILEY =) around me right. hahaha. i swear there is a certain glow in them. NOW WE KNOW. i envy them and i wonder why.

i can't seem to sleep well lately. maybe that explains why i have been so tired. alot of things on my mind and yet can't seem to push them aside. so (mentally) tired. oh and i am on sleeping pills. sigh.

funny how i feel so alone-

in the midst of the crowd

girl with a broken smile.

it has been raining for the whole damn day. right now, i am just waiting for pe, which marks the end of the day. floorball's real fun and i certainly don't want to miss it. yes. i am in a foul mood. not feeling all that brillant today. just came to the realization that hmm maybe i ain't that smart and ain't cut out for this selective jc education. -ponders- ah well.

the above is jargon. ignore please.

freezing my ass off here. ahhhhhh. i don't feel good. and it does not help to know that Jaz's sad. i wonder why. argh. i stinks totally to have someone you -coughs- so far away. i bet you guys won't understand!!! hmpf. i shall stop whining and get on with life.

i wish that i was a lil closer to you.

Dreams are just dreams

When it's dark inside your head

And all it takes is a little help from you

You know it's true

That dreams are for real

When you see what I see

And you feel it too

We took the longest road

Just to make it harder

Let's do it all again

It only makes us stronger

i'll dream of you tonight-

this almost perfect night

without you by my side.

believe me. you are what i have been looking for,

and i am glad i finally did.

41daystoprelims.
99daystoAlevels.
123daystillyaback.

MAN. -panicks-

aye, i am just another one.

i have to start mugging. -mutters- haven't been feeling exceptionally great unless i happen to be talking to my baby which happens only like 1/24 out of the day. how sad is that. S-A-D.

i miss you like crazy.

to my baby:

"i love you not because of the way you are, but because of who i am when i am with you."

and i feel my heart ache a lil today.