i'm down.

And yet i do have the slightest idea why. maybe i do, but can't i just live in recluse and pretend that the fault lies not with me but with everyone else? it's always me. it's always being eighteen.

first time in my life, i hate being eighteen.

and i hate being in love.

i can't imagine living without love. love's my everything, at least for the moment. my routine, my addiction. like how coffee lovers can't do without their daily dose of caffeine. i can't do without love. at least there's still replacement for coffee- like tea. you can't find a substitute for love.

one and only.

so why am i feeling so blahhhhhhhhhhhhh now that i've found love, and having love by my side. seriously, i don't know. maybe i am simply trying to protect myself from falling too deep. but guess what. i think i already did. nonsense you may say, go away i say. you won't understand so !!!! off.

love's perfect in his very own way. i miss him even when i am right next to him. tonight, i miss him more than ever. EVER.

cowardice reigns when it comes to love. i don't whisper sweet nothings, i don't cuddle, i don't kiss, even when my heart's yearning to do so. i don't dare to love love. for he's perfect, and way up there. yet here i am, just a simple plain eighteen year old jane.

what i want for Christmas? ahhhhhhhhhhh.

i want no fancy xmas gifts. Santa does not exist anyway. i gave up hoping since 1992. all i want for Christmas is to be able to look you in the eyes for once and say "i love you" and maybeeeee till then, you'll feel the same and say the same thing too.

so now, i feel like shit. SHIT. cried my day away. over what you ask. i don't know i say. i shall go eat my dinner and may i choke on my food and die. morbid? nah. just how i am feeling right now. how depressing. :(